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submitted by A/N: So, not the longest, only 12,264 words, but this completes Rinn's first adventure through the portal. Episode 9.5 will be another visit to Tyriel, and Episodes 10, 11, and maybe 12 will be another adventure to Earth, this time to a physics lab. After that, the rest of the artificer augments will show up, and some group training will commence, including some time visiting a nearby keshmin city/town, and various antics along the way.
EDIT: Forgot the
Patreon link.
Retreat, Hell – Episode 9
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“And we’re half-way there...”
“Woah-oh! Livin’ on a prayer!”
Rinn laughed as the entire van joined in on the chorus. It had been an hour since they left base, and most of it was filled with music, and questionable attempts to sing along.
“You got a problem with our karaoke road trips?” Bradford asked over the music.
“What is… kair… kair-ye-yoke-yi?”
“Kair-ee-oke-ee,” Bradford laughed. “It’s….” she tilted her head. “Actually, I don’t know what language it comes from. Probably Hawaiian or something.” She shrugged. “It means to sing along to music, usually without other vocals to back you up. It’s a party game.”
“Man, Elder would have a cow if he were here,” Sampson said, leaning over the back of their seat. “It’s Japanese, not Hawaiian.”
“Hey, I’m not a language expert. I speak American English and, apparently…” She paused, looking at Rinn. “What’s your language called?”
“Gyani,” Rinn replied. “It’s the official language of the Kingdom.”
“Gyani,” Bradford nodded. “I can understand Gyani thanks to some magical fuckery. Otherwise, I’m a dunce with languages. I failed my second year of Spanish.”
“Wait, the mighty Jabs, goddess of knowledge and intelligence among Marines, who is studying for a degree in aerospace engineering
in her spare time, failed
basic Spanish?!”
“Languages aren’t my thing!” she said, throwing her hands in the air. She shrugged, glancing to the side. “I might also have only taken it as an elective because I had a major crush on Kyle Eckels…”
Rinn’s ears perked up. “Who is Kyle Eckels?”
Bradford rolled her eyes. “Just some douche I went to high school with.”
“Oh, you’re not leaving it at that,” Sampson said, tapping her shoulder, then rolling his hand at her. “Spill.”
“Fine,” she sighed. She leaned back, looking past the ceiling of the van. “He was the star of the track and field team, and I thought he was the hottest person ever. He really nailed the tall-dark-and-handsome look, you know? Had kind of a quiet, brooding vibe, without a hint of Twilight.”
“No sparkly vampires for you, Jabs?” Edison asked.
“Ugh, no,” she rolled her eyes.
“Go on,” Sampson said, putting his elbows on the back of their seat and propping his chin on his hands, giving her an expectant smile.
“He was athletic, and suave, and I thought that, because he did track and field, he wouldn’t have the same jock attitude that a lot of the guys on the football team did.” She sighed. “He would look up from his mild brooding and give me a tiny smile, like just seeing me brightened his day.” She shook herself. “It sent shivers down my spine every time he did it.”
“Aaand…” Sampson prodded when she let the silence drag on too long.
“And he was a douchebag who did that to
every single girl he thought he could score with. Asshole was juggling three girlfriends and hooked up with or was trying to hook up with half the girls in the school.”
“Oh, snap!”
“Yeah, when I found out he was playing me…” She shook her head. “I figured out all his girlfriends, told them, and told the other girls in our year. They all kept it a secret right until the day of Prom, after he had already spent his money on some big party reservations, when they all dumped him in front of the whole school assembly.
Nobody showed up to his after-Prom party.”
“Damn, girl!” Sampson smiled. “That really showed him!”
“What about you, Shields? Do you have a girl back home?”
“Ah… no….”
“Kawalski’s got a girl in every whore house,” Gomez said.
Kawalski turned, giving him a look of fatherly pride. “Truth.” His expression instantly shifted to a scowl. “Now shut the fuck up, Gomer!”
Gomez sat back, grinning the smile of someone who knew he did good.
“Do keshmin even mate for life?” Kimber asked. “Or do you have seasonal mating cycles?”
“Can you only mate once every seven years, and you have to fuck or you die?” Edison shouted from the back seat.
“That is… oddly specific… and no.” Rinn shook his head. He wasn’t going down that conversation path. “Marriage is supposed to last forever, but doesn’t always… Some people get to choose who they marry, especially in the lower classes, but it’s often arranged.”
“Is there someone you’re looking to marry?”
“No.”
“What? No sweetheart waiting for you to sweep her off her feet when you come home from the war?” Bradford poked his side, giving him a sly look.
“No…” He leaned back against his window, ears shifting awkwardly.
“Do
you have a girl in every whore house?” Kimber asked.
“No!”
“What’s the matter, Shields?” Sampson asked, raising an eyebrow at him. “A little sensitive about your love life?”
“Do you even have a love life?” Bradford asked, trying to suppress her characteristic smirk.
Rinn found himself plastered to the window, suddenly the center of the focused attention of eleven humans.
“Nah, man, relax, we’re just fucking with you,” Bradford waved at him, glancing away to mask a grin.
“Yeah, who you fuck, or don’t, is your business. Nobody cares.” Sampson said.
“Fuck knows there’s enough of you that will share, anyway,” Bradford rolled her eyes.
He sighed, relaxing away from the window. “I felt like I was back at the university again for a moment, there.”
“Ha,” Bradford laughed, throwing an arm over the back of the seat to pat him on the shoulder. “Sounds like high school drama is universal, doesn’t it?”
“Apparently,” he said, tensing briefly under her touch but forcing himself to relax.
Humans are just very tactile. Like the dohlgra.
The song changed on the “radio,” or Gomez’s “phone,” Rinn wasn’t sure which, nor the significance of either. There was a short, tapping beat, and then the song was immediately loud again.
“Is all human music this loud?”
“No, not all of it,” Bradford laughed.
“Some of it is louder!” Gomez grinned, like this was an awesome thing. He put his hands up to his mouth like he was holding something, closed his eyes, and scream-growled into them.
Rinn’s ears swept back, flat against his skull. “Are you dying?”
He took a breath and screamed louder.
“What did we say about death metal and screamo in the car?!” shouted Kimber.
Gomez stopped screaming, dropping his hands with a pout. “You guys are lame.”
Bradford laughed, shaking her head. “We’ve got all kinds of music. Some… more palatable than others…”
“Laaame!”
“Shut the fuck up, Gomer!”
She rolled her eyes. “We’ve mostly been listening to Classic and Hard Rock, but there’s a whole bunch of other types of music, even other types of Rock.”
“Like rap and hip-hop,” Sampson said.
“Country,” Miller added.
“Rhythm and Blues,” Edison suggested.
“And then you have classical music, different types of folk music, and cultural flavors from all over the world.” She smiled. “We have a lot of music.”
“Here, I can show you,” Gomez said, snagging his phone and flipping through the display with his thumbs. A moment later, the music stopped and a new beat started. It was slow at first, but then the pace picked up as the singer started chanting. His ears flicked from side to side as the singer sped through words at an alarming rate and he struggled to make them all out.
Gomez flipped through several more examples, some loud or fast, others soft and slow. Some were simple, some were grand and complex. The diversity alone was staggering.
"What about you? What is keshmin music like?" Gomez asked.
"Or at least, what is Ganlin music like?" Sampson added. "You've gotta have a fair bit of variation, too."
He waved his hands. “Well, I don’t have anything that can show you, but it’s usually a lot less… loud.”
“Just wait until you guys get amps.”
“What?”
“Amplifiers. Takes the sound produced by an instrument, turns it into an electrical signal, and amplifies the signal to make it louder when it’s put out on a speaker. In a nutshell.”
Rinn quirked his ears, then shook his head. “We have symphony orchestras, and operas, but those are mostly reserved for the wealthy and nobility. The common keshmin play a variety of songs.” He paused, his ears flicking to the back of his head in frustration. “If all of my things hadn’t been lost in the retreat, I could play you something…”
“You play an instrument?”
“Yes, two.” He held a hand up. “One is a
tulu.”
“A what? That didn’t translate.”
“A
tulu.” He held his hands up in front of his chest, as if he were holding something. “It’s made of clay, and shaped like… a double-pointed tear, with a piece to blow in, and holes for your fingers.”
“That’s an ocarina!” Bradford said with a smile.
“Okha-rinn-a?”
“Oca-reen-a,” she said. “It’s one of the oldest instruments ever made.”
He nodded. “It’s a very old instrument for us, too.”
“I guess that makes sense,” she nodded. “That’s awesome! What else do you play?”
“The
seilei, it’s like… It’s a board, with strings on it, and a ridge in the middle. You can play it by plucking the strings, or using a bow.”
“I think we’ve had similar instruments, though none are common in this part of the world.”
“So you had those with you?”
“Yes, but they were all lost with the rest of my things when the camp fell to chaos during the retreat.”
“You know… When we head up to el-ay on Sunday, we could stop by a music store and get you a new ocarina. It might not replace everything, but it’s a start, yeah?” She gave him an encouraging smile.
He rolled his ears, considering, and they slowly rose to the idea. He nodded. “I’d like that.”
She grinned. “I’d say we could go today, but the highway’s a parking lot right now. It’s going to take long enough to get wherever we’re going for food as it is, and I don’t know about you, but I’m fucking starving.”
Rinn looked down at his stomach as it growled at the reminder. They both laughed.
“Hey, driver! Are we fucking there yet? Some of us didn’t get to have lunch today!”
***
Thirty minutes later, Rinn saw glimpses of buildings in the distance that seemed further away than they should be. They crept down the highway. Their pace was stop, and go. Stop, and go. A stark contrast to the speed they moved at that morning.
The number and variety of vehicles baffled him.
I understand that they probably don’t have carrels or yashi, but do they have no working animals at all? He considered the mechanical artifices around him.
Do they have any need for working animals?
Another ten minutes went by as they crept closer to San Diego, and Rinn got a proper look at the city in the distance. They had been surrounded by what he would consider city for miles, but
that…
There’s got to be some trick of the air… they look too big for as far away as they are, or too far away for as big as they are…
The van rounded another bend in the road, and there they were, straight ahead on the highway. The city was over a mile away, but still towered over the horizon. He stared out the window as the traffic crept forward, and the “city” before him stretched towards the clouds.
Those towers are so tall, they scrape the sky!
“If you think those are tall, you should see New York,” Bradford said, giving him a knowing smile.
He consciously shut his mouth and picked his ears up from where they had drooped in amazement. “We have tall buildings, too, just… not quite… as… tall…”
“Hey, we were where you were not that long ago,” she gave him a pat on the shoulder. “Once we get done kicking the keeblers’ asses, we’ll help you build your own skyscrapers.” She squeezed his shoulder, gesturing at the city before them. “In the meantime, enjoy the sights.”
Rinn nodded, giving her an encouraged flick of his ear. He leaned over to stare out his window as they followed traffic up a ramp that broke from the main highway, his horns clunking lightly against the glass.
***
As the van drove into the city itself, Rinn looked up, and up, and up at the buildings that towered above them.
I lied… not even the Great Tower at Shyiyani is as tall as some of these buildings… He was reminded of the picture in Bradford’s room, and as the street they followed took them
through the middle of a building, he became certain that the picture was real.
The van worked its way down the street, carefully navigating through a stream of other vehicles. A left turn put them onto another street that was almost as large as the highway, and a few minutes later they were turning into a paved lot filled with marked lines for vehicles to park in. An attendant met them, giving Rinn a glance through the window. Kawalski showed him his phone and talked about a pre-paid reservation. The man nodded and waved them to an empty slot, removing an orange cone that had been blocking it.
Kawalski carefully maneuvered them into their assigned slot, the big van dwarfing most of the other vehicles around them. Once satisfied with their alignment, he shoved a lever next to his wheel and turned off the van’s artifice. “Alright, everybody out! Chow’s just a couple blocks up the street.”
Doors were carefully opened and the squad climbed out of the van, squeezing past the small vehicle next to them. Rinn joined in the stretching and groaning as everyone worked the kinks out of the long ride, but was quickly distracted by the sights, sounds, and smells around him.
There is so much noise! He thought. His ears swiveled around, trying to pinpoint it all, and his nose exploded with a cacophony of scents.
He had been in cities before. He recognized the familiar sound of people moving and chattering, albeit in a different tongue. But here, there was no sound of carts and wagons rattling across cobbled streets. No clop of hooves. No lowing of muhla, no braying of queshi.
Instead, there was the rush of traffic. The sound of air they shoved aside as they moved, their rubber wheels on the road, the muttering and rumbling artifices that powered them. Loud horns would honk periodically, sometimes nearby, sometimes in the distance. An artifice roared in the distance.
Rinn looked up at the dizzying heights of the buildings that surrounded them on three sides, and closed his eyes. He smelled oil and tar, humans, the faint scent of stale piss… And food!
He opened his eyes as his stomach rumbled, and found the humans all watching him.
“You ready to eat?” Bradford asked.
“Absolutely!” he said.
“Good,” she said, stepping towards the street. “Because I’m fucking starving.” Rinn fell in beside her, and the rest of the squad formed up around them. “Where are we eating, Kawalski?”
“It’s just a couple blocks this way,” he said, taking the lead and walking back the way they had come with the van.
“This better be good, Kawalski, we’ve waited long enough,” she said as they merged onto the brick-paved footpath that ran alongside the street.
There were many people walking on either side of the street, but not nearly as many as Rinn had expected. He flicked an ear at the “cars” that zipped past them in the street, and began to suspect why.
The people who were walking the footpath with them quickly got out of their way. He couldn’t blame them. The group wasn’t exactly marching in step, but they were moving with a clear and determined purpose, nevermind their physical presence.
Rinn saw several people do double-takes when they caught sight of him, staring at him, or pointing him out to their companions so they could stare together. A few pointed phones at him, though most were discouraged by a simple glare from one of the Marines.
They crossed three side streets that would have been a grand thorofare in any Ganlin city, before making a left turn immediately after the fourth.
“Here we are!” Kawalski said, waving at a red brick building ahead of them. “La Puerta! One of the best, authentic, Mexican joints in San Diego.”
“According to the online reviews, anyway,” Kimber said. “None of us have ever been her before.”
“Yeah, well, you weren’t offering any suggestions,” Kawalski growled as they walked through the open door, “So stuff it.” Rinn caught some surprised glances from the people seated outside.
The “Mexican joint” looked a little small as their group filed inside, but it was still roomy enough, and was very warmly lit. The wall to their right was paneled with wood slats. A line of tables, each surrounded by a curving, seat-backed bench upholstered in brown leather, ran the length of the wall. Glowing, stained lamps hung over each table, and strands of small, yellow-orange lights were strung across the ceiling.
To their left was a lacquered bar, lined with upholstered seat-backed stools. The wall behind it was bare brick, covered by shelves and cabinets lined with bottles that were unmistakably alcohol.
Or whatever it is they drink in place of alcohol… He eyed the bottles.
That glass and crystal would not be out of place at the king’s table, but here… He flicked an ear at the rows of perfectly identical bottles, and turned his attention to the man behind the bar.
His black hair was far longer than any of the Marines he had seen, except for Bradford, and hung down to his jaw. His chin was also covered in fur, and it completely surrounded his mouth.
Do only some of them grow fur on their face? Is it just around their mouths? Rinn glanced at Miller, and for the first time noticed faint stubble across the entire lower third of his face.
Do they shave their fur?!
“Evening!” Kawalski said, bringing Rinn’s attention back to the present. The man behind the bar jerked his attention away from Rinn. “I called earlier, said there’d be about twelve of us coming in, asked if we could have a couple booths towards the back.”
“Kawalski?” the man asked.
“Yep!”
“Yeah, um,” he shook his head. “Yeah, the two booths on the end,” he pointed to the back corner.”
“Sweet, thanks!” Kawalski gave him a half-wave and the squad filed to the back of the room.
The booths weren’t large enough for all twelve of them, but a brief discussion and some shuffling later, Rinn found himself wedged into the back of the corner booth next to Bradford, surrounded by Kawalski, Gomez, Miller, and Kimber. The rest of the squad packed themselves around the adjacent table.
A few moments later, a woman appeared with a stack of large cards that she passed around. “Can I get you started with anything to drink, or appetizers?” She stopped, staring at Rinn. “Is he?”
“Yes,” Bradford said.
“Were you…“
“In the thick of it,” Kawalski said.
“We had to come back Earth-side for official business, and couldn’t pass up the opportunity to show Rinn, here, around.” Bradford clapped a hand on his shoulder, giving him a light shake.
“Your world is amazing,” he said, flicking his ears back self-consciously.
The woman blinked. “Do you… understand…”
“Yeah, it’s magic, we haven’t figured it out yet, either,” Edison said, leaning over the back of his seat. “One of them cast a big spell that let us all understand them, and them understand us, but only if you were in range. He said “Your world is amazing.””
“That’s…” She shook her head. “You know what, I’m just going to focus on taking orders. Would you guys like anything to drink?”
“Takeela,” Kawalski said without hesitation. They had a brief discussion of what kind of “takeela” he wanted, which Rinn couldn’t follow, though he was fairly certain that Kawalski was flirting with the waitress. He was less certain about whether his efforts were successful.
“I’ll just have a coke,” Kimber said. “I’m the dee-dee.” He held out a hand in front of Kawalski as the waitress moved around the table. The other Marine fished a key attached to a pouch out of his pocket and handed it over without comment.
Further discussion was had about what Rinn wanted to drink. The Marines were delighted to learn that keshmin also drank alcohol, and it was decided that he should have something called a “dose ekwis” to “stick with the mexican theme.” He was a little uncertain about imbibing on this adventure, but…
I’m an infantry veteran in His Majesty’s Royal Host. I’m hardly a stranger to alcohol.
“Any appetizers?”
“Queso Fundido,” Miller said.
“For one, or for the table?”
“For the table.”
“Excellent. Oh! And how are we splitting the bill?”
“Individually, but I’ve got his,” Bradford said, pointing a thumb at Rinn.
He opened his mouth to object, but then closed it, his ears drooping, as he remembered that he had nothing to pay with.
This is embarrassing… I need to fix this.
“Anything else?”
“No, that’s about… Oh!” Bradford interrupted herself, snapping her fingers and pointing at the waitress. “Can we get a selection of hot sauces? We’re not sure what he can stand.” She pointed back at Rinn.
“Of course. I’ll be right back.”
As she walked away, Rinn was handed a card. He stared down at the alien text, his ears twisting in consternation. “Umm…”
“Here, I’ll read it for you,” Bradford said, tilting her own card so he could see as she read off the items. Another discussion began on what everyone wanted to eat.
The waitress seemed to know her job well, because she returned at exactly the time that everyone had decided. She passed out drinks and set wooden bowls of baked chips alongside a plate of what smelled like some kind of melted cheese, followed by several bottles of some kind of sauce, then began taking orders.
Rinn stared at the chips and cheese after she departed again.
“Pass me one of the mild ones,” Bradford said, picking a chip out of the bowl. Kimber picked a bottle out, opened it, and passed it to her. “Alright, Rinn,” she said, dabbing some of the brownish liquid on the chip, “We’re gonna do some science here.” She passed him the chip. “Try that.”
He took the chip and gave it a sniff.
Definitely some kind of spice here… He gave Bradford a glance, and popped the chip into his mouth. He nodded slowly while he chewed. The chip was some kind of hard flat bread; a little salty, but not much different from similar food on Gahla. “The sauce is kinda sweet… and…” He opened and shut his mouth, running his tongue across his upper teeth a few times before swallowing. “It had a weird bite at the end.”
“Here, try this one,” Bradford said, handing him another chip with another sauce on it. He could smell the bite in this one.
He eyed her again, and popped the next chip into his mouth. Instantly he felt his mouth burn. His eyes went wide and his ears stood up straight, but with ten Marines and a Navy Corpsman all staring at him, he didn’t dare spit it back out. His eyes watering, he continued chewing, and just barely managed to swallow before the fumes triggered his sinuses and he sneezed.
The humans laughed.
“Okay, so that was a couple steps up from mild,” Bradford admitted.
“Only a couple?” Rinn coughed. He could feel the heat of the sauce all the way down to his stomach.
“Well, it wasn’t the hottest they have.”
“Want to try another one?” Miller asked, holding out a chip with a subtle smile. Rinn could smell the fumes from the other side of the table.
“No. You try it,” Rinn said before sneezing again.
Miller shrugged and popped it into his mouth with a mild smirk. He chewed and swallowed as if it were nothing.
“Dude!” Gomez said, picking up the open bottle. “That’s Holy Jolokia! It’s, like, a million Scoville! That’s getting into weapons grade range!” He set the bottle back down, shaking his head in awe. “How is your face not melting off?!”
Miller shrugged, snagging another chip and dipping it in the cheese. He stuffed it into his mouth and nonchalantly chewed away.
“Try the queso,” Bradford said, elbowing Rinn. “It helps neutralize the heat.”
He immediately grabbed a chip and dipped it into the cheese. He popped it into his mouth, and closed his eyes, savoring this flavor. It wasn’t like any cheese made from muhla milk he’d ever tasted, but it was definitely cheese, and it helped ease the burning in his mouth.
“Try this stuff, it’s barely medium,” Bradford said, handing him another open bottle. He took a cautious sniff, and nodded. “Try putting it on top of the cheese.”
Rinn nodded again, scooping another chip full of cheese off the plate, and cautiously poured a few drops of sauce onto it. He took a careful bite, strings of cheese trailing from his mouth to the other half of the chip.
The spice is still hot… but much more manageable… even good… He dabbed some more sauce onto the rest of the chip and popped it into his mouth.
Swallowing, he picked up his glass of beer. He took a moment to marvel at the glass itself, and how pristinely clear it was, and the fact that it was
cold. They drink their beer cold?! The cost in mana to keep things chilled like this… He shook his head and took a sip.
It is… interesting… he decided.
Different, and cold, but definitely still beer. He took another sip.
And definitely stronger than table beer…
After a short discussion of hot sauce, the history of capsaicin, and alarmingly, its weaponization, the waitress returned with a platter stacked with food. Rinn’s ears perked up and his stomach rumbled as the scents wafted across the table.
Plates were passed around the table, and Rinn’s gazed locked onto the plate containing his “mix-and-match” order of steak, pork, and chicken “tacos.” He had to swallow to keep himself from drooling. He vaguely heard Kawalski make a joke about the waitress being his new hero, but all of his attention was fixated on his food.
He spared a glance at the others for some cue as to when it would be appropriate to start eating. Seeing them all immediately tuck into their food, he carefully picked up one of his tacos. He tilted his head one way, and then the other, trying to figure out how to best eat it, and decided that head-tilted was the best position. He took a bite, doing his best to keep the contents from spilling everywhere, then sat back, chewing and savoring.
Silence reigned over the table for a time as everyone tucked into their food, but eventually conversation returned. The topic shifted wildly depending on who was talking and who was stuffing their face, and ranged from plans for the evening, to past exploits, prospects for the war, and their own recent adventures.
“We had a lay-over in Memphis, but we got stuck there because of the hurricane going through at the time,” Gomez said. “It was like a day-and-a-half delay before they would let any flights into Savannah. Normally, they wouldn’t have let us leave the security area, but because it was a day-and-a-half delay, they let us leave the airport.” He took a drink of his “soda.” Apparently, humans had an age requirement before they were allowed to drink alcohol. “So me and my buddy were like, ‘We’ve just been gifted one last night of freedom before we spend the next three months in boot camp. Let’s go to a titty bar!’”
“Of course you did,” Bradford rolled her eyes.
“Hey, you can’t tell me you wouldn’t go out to a strip club if you had the chance right before three months of guaranteed no sex.”
“…. Continue with your goddamn story, Private.”
“Right,” Gomez said around a bite of food. “So, anyway. We get out to the titty bar, and it went about as you’d expect. We event got special dances in the back-room for a “discount,”” he said, scrunching the first two fingers of each hand in the air, “When we told them we were on our way to boot camp.”
Everyone at the table, even Rinn, shared a knowing roll of the eyes.
“So, we’re in the back room, right?” He washed his bite of food down with another gulp of soda. “I don’t know what the fuck Frankie was doing, I wasn’t paying any attention to him, because I had this smokin’ hot stripper dancing in my lap. And she was fiiine. Just enough chunk to have some junk in the trunk that you could hold onto, but a waist thin enough you could almost wrap your hands around, and big ‘ol titties like melons that felt like-“
He was interrupted by Kawalski reaching over Rinn and Bradford to smack him in the back of the head. “Gomer! We’re in public, keep it pee-gee thirteen!”
“Oh, right,” he sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. “Sorry.”
“Continue,” Kawalski said, sitting back down.
“So, right,” he took another bite. “So, she was dancing in my lap, top came off, then the bottom came off,” he took another drink. “She’s shaking her ass in my face. I’m thinking I’m about to be one of the luckiest bastards heading to boot camp. Then she busts ass, rips out this massive fart, right into my face!”
Kimber snorted into his drink, starting a coughing fit, and Bradford lowered her face into her free hand, hiding a smirk. Rinn's ears shot up, then swept back in empathic discomfort.
“Now, I grew up on a pig farm in Indiana. Didn’t bother me none. I thought it was fu-, uh, flippin’ hilarious, and sat there laughin’ my ass off. But her? Instantly killed the mood. She was so embarrassed she disappeared, and I never saw her again the rest of the night.” He shook his head, taking another bite. “Spoiled my hopes of getting laid that night, but otherwise we had a great time, and made it back to the airport just in time to catch our flight, which got bumped up because the hurricane wasn’t as bad as they thought.”
He set his glass down after another drink. “So, after that, we get to Parris Island, go through the whole processing in bee-ess, and of course, they keep you up the whole time, don’t let you sleep the first night.” He got several nods from around the table. “My buddy and I, we’re
dying, because we spent the night before getting wasted at the strip club, and got maybe twenty minutes out on the flight into Savannah.
“They finally get us to our new barracks, and then its lights out. I dropped straight onto my rack, no blankets or nothin’, and just died.” He took another drink.
“So, I wake up the next morning, right? Both eyes glued shut. I thought I was freaking blind!” He shook his head. “Turns out, that stripper’s fart had been festering on my face the entire time, and when I woke up, I had the worst case of pink-eye anyone at Parris Island had seen in thirty years! Both eyes were welded shut, and I had to be guided to medical to get ‘em uncrusted enough to open back up. Was ess-aye-cue for two days because of it!”
“Jesus Christ, Gomer…” Kawalski shook his head.
“I bet the Dee-Ayes loved you,” Bradford said.
“Oh, hell yeah. Once I’d been cleared by medical and finished processing in, they beat my ass harder than I’ve ever worked before. That first day, they had me pee-teeing in a lake of my own sweat!”
He picked up the bottle of Holy Jolokia and casually tipped it back like it was his drink. The bottle glugged once, and Gomez’s expression instantly changed to that of a man who knew he had screwed up and regretted being alive. It glugged a second time before he could react, and hot sauce drizzled across his face and the table in his rush to set the bottle down.
Gomez twisted away from the table and slid off the bench, falling to his knees in a coughing, gagging fit. His face was crimson and covered in sweat.
Rinn stared in horror as Bradford quietly put the cap back on the bottle. “I think we’re done with this one…”
“I don’t understand what your problem is,” Miller said, scooping up some tribbles of the hot sauce with a chip and popping it into his mouth. “This stuff’s good.”
“M- mo- monster,” Gomez managed to cough out.
“Is everything alright?” the waitress asked, walking over.
“He grabbed a bottle of hot sauce instead of his cup,” Kawalski said. “The super-hot stuff.”
“Oh no…”
“Yeah… Can we get a glass of milk for him?” Bradford asked.
“Absolutely!” She disappeared behind the bar, and returned a moment later with a glass of milk.
Gomez took it from her and gulped it down like a drowning man gasping for air. The glass drained, he handed it back. “Thank you…” he croaked, getting back up and sitting back down. He immediately started shoveling chips and cheese into his mouth.
A few mouthfuls and carefully-identified gulps of his refilled soda later, he seemed to be mostly recovered. “Well, I’m not going to be looking forward to when that comes back out the other end. It was unpleasant enough going in.”
“Gomer, you’re a big, dumb bastard, you know that?” Kawalski laughed.
“Yup,” he said, shoveling another bite of food into his mouth.
***
Twenty minutes later, Rinn was wobbling back to the van, stuffed with more food than he had eaten in a very long time. Foot traffic had increased, but they were still given a decent berth by anyone they passed.
As they piled back into the van, Kimber took the driver’s seat and Kawalski called shotgun. Rinn and Bradford climbed back into what had become their designated seats while the rest of the squad piled into the back.
Kawalski gave Kimber directions as they pulled out of the parking lot, and Rinn went back to staring out of his window. The van worked its way through the city, and he gazed in fascination at all the different types of people and
things that he saw. Sometimes he got some commentary from the Marines, but they mostly seemed to have fallen into a “food coma.”
To be honest, if I wasn’t so sparked up, I’d probably be passed out, too… Is that a carriage!?! What creature is that pulling it? It looks at least as large as a queshi…
After navigating through the city, Kimber turned the van back onto the main highway, but he had barely finished accelerating to speed before he turned off again. For a moment, Rinn thought they were turning back into the city again, but looking forward he saw the ocean. Kimber kept driving towards it until he reached a road that ran right along the edge of the harbor. Out on the water, he could see the masts of countless sloops and small ships.
They made a left turn, and he had to struggle to keep himself from crawling over Bradford to gape out her window.
“Never seen the ocean before?” Bradford said.
“No, not until today.” He rolled his ears. “I’ve seen the royal fleet sheltered in Lake Kaigyap when we were at Yishyishi for a while, but never the ocean.” He flicked his ears back. “Neither have most of the sailors in the royal fleet.”
“I’d think they’d be the ones who saw it for sure.”
He shook his head. “The elves have kept our fleets bottled up in port for years. Lake Kaigyap is a brakish lake, a couple miles above the mouth of the Yishi river. It’s too narrow for the elves to get their fleet up the river, not without being obliterated by our shore batteries, but it’s also too narrow for our fleet to sally out in force.”
“Why’d your fleet bottle up there in the first place?” Edison asked.
“It’s where our main shipyards are, and the choice was shelter the fleet there, or lose it.” He growled. “Ship-to-ship, in a conventional fight, our ships are superior. They’re better built, better designed, but…” He nodded at the galleon and proper three-masted frigates they were approaching. “Like your ships, ours depend on the wind for power. We don’t have the
mana to be able to move the ship and still fight and shield it. The elves, though… They can draw more ambient mana, and stock more of it, and they can move independent of the wind. When we can catch them when their reserves are low, or their motive artifices dispelled to conserve mana, our ships have rarely lost a fight, even when out-numbered.”
He shook his head. “But they are rarely so caught, and no matter how many we’ve destroyed, their ships just keep coming.”
“Well, the good news is, that’s not our Navy,” Bradford said, patting him on the shoulder.
“Yeah, those are museum ships, centuries old,” Edison added.
“If you look ahead on the right,” Kawalski said, “You’ll see something a bit more modern.”
“The USS Midway,” Bradford said as an immense, towering ship of
metal came into view.
“What is
that!?!”
“That is the USS Midway, a Midway-class steam-powered aircraft carrier,” Kawalski said, taking on his tour-guide tone once more. “Commissioned seventy-five years ago, and decommissioned and turned into a museum ship nearly thirty years ago.”
“When did you become so educated, Kawalski?” Bradford asked.
“When I looked it up on Wikipedia this morning while planning this trip.”
“You think he just actually knew things?” Kimber snorted.
The van turned right, into what was obviously a parking area for the ship. Kimber slowed the van to a crawl and Bradford shifted, allowing Rinn to crawl past her and get a better look through her window. “We haven’t been limited to sail power in almost two hundred years.”
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Continued in comments...
Good people of
skiing! I submit for your perusal and reference: my notes on the nearly 40 pairs of skis I got to demo last year. I know many folks have made ski purchase decisions already, but for you fence straddlers: maybe my notes can push you over the edge. You may not agree with my notes. For example, I genuinely dislike the Bonafide, which is one of the most popular skis of all time. People like skiing for different reasons. I split my notes into four sections: powder, all-mountain wide, all-mountain narrow, and piste skis. I found exceptional skis in each category. It’s a good year to be a skier.
Notes on Tester: I’m 6’1”, 170 lbs, 34 yo. I get most of my ski days in north Lake Tahoe, Mammoth, and Utah. I work in a small ski shop. My tastes in skis definitely reflects my bias: I like heavy and especially metal skis because they cope better with our beloved Sierra snow. I don’t get as much time on independent ski brands as I would like - something I hope to change. I try to acknowledge my bias while still highlighting the virtues of skis I write about.
Powder Skis (110+ mm waist)
The powder ski! The ski you save for those special days! The ski that keeps you up at night knowing that your body and spirit will transcend time and space through this sacred instrument! Most people associate their powder skis with the best times, and I’ll make the argument that most “quiver of one skis” fall apart when faced with 12”+ of fluff. So do the right thing and consider adding one of these to your lineup!
Blizzard Spur Length: 192 Test Location: Heavy sierra powder day at Mammoth Mountains, Snowbasin ~15” powder day The Spur is in a category by itself, which is apparent just by looking at the asymmetrical cut. Insane float, a unique blend of sturdy and surfy. I found it easy and reliable at any speed, though it did have a tendency to get hooked on the heavy pow. In blower, the Spur would be an effortless dream. I found it easier to manage than the Nordica Enforcer Pro and the Dynastar Proto, a little more turn-y and fun than those skis, which excel at charging down gnarly terrain.
Blizzard Rustler 11 Length: 188 and 192 Test Location: Heavy sierra powder day at Mammoth Mountain, Mammoth January Storm (windblown powder), Alpine Meadows March storm (4” of cream on top of 12” of Sierra cement) The Rustler 11 has been a favorite of mine all season. I went up to the 192 today to push the limits of this very versatile ski. I continue to think that this is the perfect resort powder ski. It enables me to attack everything from fresh lines to tracked pow. It can rip around on groomers getting back to the lift. For a metal ski, it has a fantastic ooey-gooey interface with soft snow. Some testers fault the rustler for lacking snappy response on groomers, and I’ll acknowledge that it does not have the race-bred super G feel that you might find in an Enforcer 110. But I still think it's the best ski in the category. It's versatile and approachable for a ski this wide, and I never lacked float. It's essentially three skis in one: a super fun surfy pow ski, a surprisingly clean and nimble carver, and an end of day or leftover crud buster. I now own this ski.
Armada ARV116 JJ Length: 187 Test Location: Alpine Meadows, what looked to be a powder day turned into cement with 2” of cream on top. I was excited to take out this legendary ski for the first time, knowing that it would be a different beast altogether from other skis in the category. I was thrilled with the experience, and felt that the JJ provides a unique surfy / smeary experience that I absolutely loved. I would love to get it out in deeper snow sometime, where those qualities would really shine. Still, I was pleased and impressed with how the ski did while cruising groomers back to the lift. This ski skis a little short - would have liked to try the 192 (and I’m 6’1” // 170 lbs).
Armada Tracer 118 Length: 188 Test Location: Heavy sierra powder day at Mammoth Mountain I was impressed by how much this ski liked speed. I think it makes great sense as a hybrid resort / backcountry ski for the skier who likes speed. It floats great, but I found it a little sloppy on edge hold, at least in heavy (wet) Sierra pow. May have been the conditions, but other skis were handling better. I loved the graphics. I would give it another shot on different snow.
Armada Declivity X Length: 192 Test Location: Heavy sierra powder day at Mammoth Mountain Surprise hit for me. I thought it would be a big mountain high speed tool, but found it to be surprisingly accessible and versatile. Close call with the Rustler 11, these were my two favorite resort powder skis. At 115mm waist, a wonderful dedicated powder ski. I look forward to riding it again sometime.
Armada ARG 133 Length: 187 Test Location: Heavy sierra powder day at Mammoth Mountain This was a huge treat to test, and I think I kept it out longer than any other ski in the somewhat epic blizzard conditions at Mammoth. Like the Blizzard Spur, this is a purpose-built ski. And that purpose is spraying face shots all over the mountain. I found the ARG to be great at short cuts and yet still stable when I pointed them out. Of the pure powder skis, this was my favorite.
Nordica Enforcer Pro Length: 191 Test Location: Heavy sierra powder day at Mammoth Mountain I've been a huge fan of the enforcer line for some time, but never got to try the pro / 115. It feels like an enforcer for sure. It's a big ski for sure. I would love to take this ski to Alaska. I love that it can mow down chop. It certainly rails on groomers. But...I'm not sure this ski really makes sense for people who aren't pro skiers. Although it's fun on groomers, it's not much more fun than other powder skis, and it's more of a chore in tight spots. I think I learned something about how Enforcers win a lot of awards: the skis nail a lot of the evaluation criteria. But that doesn't always translate to fun. And in the case of a powder ski, railing groomers is beside the point.
Dynastar Proto Length: 189 Test Location: Mammoth WWSRA Demo Days I tested this ski right next to the Enforcer Pro, and overall I preferred it as a powder ski. They are both high speed float masters, and I suspect they both will be most at home charging steep lines where you need to point'em out. I found the Proto to be a little planky, but nevertheless it was surprisingly agile and nimble. I found myself hopping turns more than slarving or smearing, but I still charged down the hill with confidence, even in tight corners. The Proto got my vote for a high speed pow ski, but the Rustler 11 and the Declivity were more accessible and well rounded.
Salomon QST 118 Length: 192 Test Location: Snowbasin Demo Days I enjoyed the QST 118, and I wouldn't have a hard time selling it. It carves nicely. It floats beautifully. Lots of rocker, decently stiff tail. I could imagine falling in love when skiing it in heroic conditions, but I could say the same about a lot of skis.
Head Kore 117 Length: 188 Test Location: Snowbasin Demo Days The 117 feels like the most different ski in the Kore lineup. With almost no camber, this ski is buttery and quick at lower speeds or in deeper snow. The ski felt a little less grippy and solid as compared to other Kores, or even other skis in this category, which makes a lot of sense for this ski. In the end, I like this ski a lot for somebody who wants a pivoty pow ski that can handle a little speed, but not too much. As with other Kore skis, I’ll continue my complaint that they are in fact too light. Utah skiers may disagree.
Atomic Bent Chetler 120 Length: 192 Test Location: 2+ foot dump at Mammoth Mountain, storm day with high winds Having previously tried (and disliked) the Bent Chetler 100, I wasn’t sure how I would like the 120. It turns out to be a much better shape and size for this style of playful, surfy construction. I struggled a bit with the forward stance, though that can probably be blamed on the heavier Sierra snow I skied that day. Floatation is obviously in a league of its own, and for the skier who has the good fortune to score deep powder, the Bent Chetler is the perfect surfy, playful feel that encapsulates the carefree fun of skiing in powder. For me personally, I still need my powder ski to hold up for afternoon leftovers, and I felt the 120 was a little too light for that. I do love the idea of using this as a touring setup, where fresh powder is almost endless. Makes a great all-purpose powder ski if you don’t want to fly with a downhill and backcountry setup when you fly to Japan.
Fishcer Ranger 115 Fr Length: 188 Test Location: 2+ foot dump at Alpine Meadows Hats off to Fischer for their Fr lineup. They managed to marry the crisp, round carve of their race lineage with a ski that surfs, slashes, and pivots. I really enjoyed the 115, and have wondered if maybe I would have preferred it over my very beloved Rustler 11. I plan to revisit this ski again.
All-Mountain Wide (99-109 mm waist)
Probably the most versatile category for folks in the North American West. I like all-mountain wide skis a lot because you can pretty much grab one without looking at the forecast - or knowing what terrain you will end up riding - and still have a great time. These skis have to balance fun and float with precision and power. A tall order - but there are a ton of fantastic options this year.
Nordica Enforcer 104 Free Length: 185 Test Location: Heavy sierra powder day at Mammoth Mountain, Snowbasin Demo Days Fantastic, accessible, carves and smears. Exactly what Nordica needed to add. Enough float for any Sierra powder day. Abundant fun factor. I tried it both at Mammoth, where it was fun and smeary, and at Snowbasin, where it transitioned between fluffy stashes and dusty but firm groomers with ease. A+ ski. If I could only own one ski next year, this would be it. Highly recommend for the energetic, confident skier who wants one ski that does it all.
Salomon QST 106 Length: 188 Test Location: Heavy sierra powder day at Mammoth Mountain This ski surprised me. It immediately made me feel like I was one with the snow. The balance felt perfect from the first turn. It was easy to get on edge and its carving accuracy was fantastic. I skied it in the 188, and was surprised how easy it was. I would guess that intermediate skiers would enjoy this ski a lot. That being said, I skied with some expert skiers at Snowbasin who were ripping on the 106 without a problem. Considering conditions, I thought it was wonderful for the heavier pow.
Dynastar Legend 106 Length: 188 Test Location: Heavy sierra powder day at Mammoth Mountain Although by no means a bad ski, the Legend 106 did not stand out in its category, which is filled with a lot of compelling options. I found it to be more fun and forgiving than I expected, but I was really thrown by the tail, which felt loose and wiggly in the soft stuff. I probably would love this ski on firm snow and high speeds, and I might reach for this for more expert skiers, but I had more fun on the Salomon QST 106 and the Nordica Enforcer 104. I thought I would have preferred the Legend, which has a remarkably stiff hand flex. But the swimmy tail was very unusual and did not excite me.
Salomon QST 99 Length: 181 Test Location: Heavy sierra powder day at Mammoth Mountain Overall I liked this ski and I think it will sell very well. At 99 mm, there were better skis for the blizzard conditions. Nevertheless I found the QST to provide adequate float. It was fun and easy to ski, and would be very accessible for intermediate skiers. It didn't grab on to the heavy and somewhat wet snow. It also got knocked around a bit. But a lot of users will love this ski as an all mountain daily driver that has plenty of fun and forgiveness.
Blizzard Rustler 10 Length: 180 and 188 Test Location: Heavy sierra powder day at Mammoth Mountain, Deer Valley (most firm snow, some dust on crust) I’m a huge fan of Rustlers, and I like the direction of this new, more stable, more confident ski. Still totally fun in trees and deep stashes. I skied with a friend who rode an Atomic Vantage 97 Ti - a much more firm snow oriented ski - and I had no trouble keeping up once we opened up onto groomers. I loved this ski. I took it out again for a sunny day at Deer Valley and I continue to be impressed with its firm and soft snow handling. I struggled a bit in the rutted and firm bumps off piste, which were crust underneath a 3" dash of dust. I'm glad I got that exposure but I still love this ski and would consider it an excellent quiver of one choice. The 188 is probably my ski, but I felt pretty stable in the 180 as well. If I’m being really honest, I would love it in a 185 cm length.
Fischer Ranger 102 FR Length: 177 and 184 cm Test Location: Snowbasin Demo Days The 102 is a fun ski that almost anybody can hop on and enjoy. I found its floatation and playfulness to be excellent. It was delightful on a wonderful steep pitch of mostly untracked pow. I cruised onto some mellow packed powder groomers and found it incredibly easy to get on edge and carve nice arcs. The ski produces a remarkably round carve shape which was novel and fun, if not overpowering. The ski got a little lost in some tracked off-piste lower down the mountain, which makes me worry about how it would hold up in heavier Sierra snow. Given its ease of use, I would enthusiastically recommend it to a skier who wants a well rounded all mountain ski that doesn't punish them. To contrast it with the Ranger 99 Ti, this ski was more fun and approachable, and I felt it did great in powder.
Head Kore 105 Length: 180 cm Test Location: Snowbasin Demo Days The Kore series has done well for Head, and has helped a lot of skiers get into a freeride oriented ski that allows them to shred without draining their fitness. I like the 105 a lot, and I think the ultralight construction makes a ton of sense for a ski that ought to be more soft snow oriented. Yes, it still rails on groomers. Yes, it is disturbingly stable at speed for its weight. And it's rather dreamy in powder. My only complaint against this ski is that I wish it had more heft to charge through crud and even tracked pow. Many skiers will naturally gravitate toward is lightweight and highlight this aspect as a strength, so I file this critique as a minor one. I do give Head props for adapting each Kore mold to the demands of that model, and the 105 feels like a virtuous fulfillment of this category's most sought after features. I would vote for an Enforcer 104 free or a QST 106 as close competition for this ski. And the Ranger 107ti for the more expert, charge-y skier. One slight ding on this ski: the lack of a mounting plate seems to produce higher than normal binding failures. I’m not sure if Head has addressed this, but other ultra lightweight skis (old DPS) have needed to similar tweaks. Consider a helicoil.
Fischer Ranger 107 Ti Length: 182 cm Test Location: Snowbasin Demo Days When I learned about the updates to the Ranger Ti series, I was immediately stoked and excited to ski them. Long a fan of the Ranger series, my only complaint on recent experiences was that I wanted more power out of the ski. Be careful what you wish for. The Ti is a beastly ski. I love its powerful carving. I love how stable it is in crud. And when I got the ski in untracked Utah pow, it floated like a butterfly, only to shred groomers just a few turns later with that deliciously precise Fischer continuous carve. All that said, this is a demanding ski, best for athletic skiers. I would struggle in tight bumps or rutted tree lines. I still love the ski...but maybe it could ease up a bit? Sincerely, Goldilocks
Fischer Ranger 99 Ti Length: 181 and 188 Test Location: Snowbasin Demo Days, Alpine Meadows spring powder day I expounded on the Ranger Ti series in the 107 Ti review. The 99 is perhaps the ski that took it too far, at least for me on the 188 length. It's a fantastic carving tool. It has no discernible speed limit. It punished me in the bumps. It’s labor-intensive off piste. It's a beastly ski for sure, and those really strong demanding high speed skiers are going to love it. I think it still skis circles around the Mantra M5 in basically every category. But I will be thoughtful about which customers get to look at the 99. On a later trip, I grabbed a 181 and felt much more at home on that length ski. I still found the ski to be a little planky for my 170 lbs while skiing through some end-of-day pow at Alpine Meadows. It was phenomenal on groomers, and thus I find it to be an interesting ski for a quiver-of-one skier. Realistically, many skiers spend most of their time on groomers, but don’t want to be left out in the cold if the powder comes. For an all-mountain skier who wants one ski that is high performance on piste but still fun in powder, the 99 Ti could work nicely, but only if that skier has fitness and technique in spades.
Volkl Mantra 102 Length: 184 Test Location: Snowbasin Demo Days If you read my Enforcer 88 review, you might expect me to dismiss the Mantra 102 as another business-driven product line extension from the smash success of this year's Mantra M5. Credit where it's due: the Mantra 102 is not only new and different - it's better. While the M5 clearly excels as a high speed, long radius, directional charger, the 102 is in fact a much more versatile ski, while still maintaining its charger pedigree. The triple radius sidecut - while not an altogether new innovation - does make this ski feel more maneuverable in tight spots. It's accordingly more floaty and fun, and more smooth than my memory of the M5. I really liked this ski, but the competition (Enforcer 104, 102) are also really great skis. I think the Mantra 102 will find its niche as a more versatile and therefore broader appeal Mantra.
Armada ARV106 Length: 188 Test Location: Alpine Meadows surprise spring powder day I tested this ski out of step with the rest of the all mountain wide testing I did, so it’s harder for me to do apples-to-apples. I’ll start by saying that I generally prefer metal in my skis, and the list of all-wood skis that I actually like is pretty short. Well, the ARV 106 is definitely on there, and may actually mark a turning point in my attitude toward a) wood core skis positioned for soft snow and b) more forward stance mount. I took the ski up to Alpine Meadows and cut some afternoon stash laps on Alpine Bowl Chair. We were hiking Upper Saddle to High Yellow Face and Our Father, and the ARV was super fun. I found it to be a good combination of floaty and nimble. It was still perfectly capable as I hit higher speeds on the runout. The competition in all mountain wide is definitely challenging, but I think the ARV 106 stands out for giving a little more feedback and connection with softer snow. Like many of the all-mountain wide skis, this ski was still plenty of fun on groomers, so despite its width and lack of metal, it certainly would hold up for most western skiers.
All-Mountain Narrow (88-98 mm waist skis)
An interesting category of skis. Some folks are going to like these skis as a potential quiver of one, particularly if you don’t actively seek fresh tracks. I generally feel like too many skiers, especially young skiers, overlook frontside skis. It is their loss. These skis are quicker, rippier, and more exciting, and they can make boilerplate groomers feel like your own personal race track. It’s worth trying one of these if you haven’t been on a narrower ski in a while.
Atomic Vantage 97 Ti length: 180 cm Test Location: Heavy sierra powder day at Mammoth Mountain The snow was turning increasingly wet by the time I took out the Vantage Ti. Not the right conditions for this ski, but I needed to try it out so I could differentiate from the Mantra M5. I liked it. Seems to be more versatile than the M5. Still charges. It’s an interesting build: at 97mm waist, I’m kind of scratching my head. Is this really a powder ski? If not, why would you want a ski this wide? I suppose that the extra width comes in handy when plowing throw crud, chop, and rutted snow, but that firm and flat tail is a lot to handle in off piste conditions. My personal feeling is that once you cross the 90mm line, at least some tail early rise is pretty essential. That being said, one of my favorite skis is the Stockli Stormrider 95, which has a firm if not punishing tail, and to this ski’s credit, it compares favorably to the Stockli and costs much less. I think that the Vantage style makes way more sense in the 86 and 90 models. Long way of saying: if you are a quiver-of-one skier who specifically doesn’t seek out off piste powder but still wants to ski on piste in variable conditions, this could be a great one for you.
Stockli Stormrider 88 Length: 177 Test Location: Snowbasin Demo Days I owned a previous generation of the 88 and I loved it. I always found myself slightly between sizes. The 177 was more accessible and quick. The 186 was a point down hill, count 5 seconds, and then turn sort of ski. And the tears streaming backward out of my eyes were 50% joy and 50% fear. The new 177 feels like it gives me both worlds, and even at 6'1", I feel right at home on this ski. Unshakable confidence across all snow types. Crisp, clean turning. The 88 is the gateway drug to edgy and more aggressive narrow skis...but it's a perfectly satisfying end state as well. For my California customer, I don't think it quite works as a one ski quiver, unless one deliberately plans to avoid deeper days. It’s too narrow to be a powder ski. But my goodness, this ski is smoother than a Lindt truffle and sharper than a Victorinox chef's knife. I was testing a host of ~88 mm skis and I almost felt bad because I took this ski out as a baseline. It's hard for any other ski to measure up. I’ll stop short of calling it a one ski quiver, and in the case of this ski, I think that’s a great thing: it’s so powerful and confident on piste while still being manageable in tighter off piste runs.
Volkl Kendo 88 Length: 177 and 184 Test Location: Snowbasin Demo Days I tested this ski in a 177 and 184, and I just couldn't find the sweet spot. It's powerful. It's edgy. It floats adequately and doesn't hook too badly. The 3D radius sidecut is novel and discernible, enabling different turn lengths. All that said, I found both models to shudder on hard pack. The 184 was a plank for me, and I was more than happy to trade it in for the 177. I would enjoy it in perfect corduroy, but I found the ski to be buzzy and stiff.
Blizzard Brahma 88 Length: 180 Test Location: Snowbasin Demo Days The Brahma was a surprise ski for me. I like metal skis a lot, but hand-flexing this ski, plus negative experiences with the Bonafide, led me to think I would not enjoy the Brahma. I was wrong. It was a wonderfully precise carver. It navigated day-old pow with ease and aplomb. It was very comfortable at speed. Given that flat tail, I think it is a compelling option for the charger who knows how to finish a turn but still wants to hit some off-piste runs...but not too many. It does demand an athletic user, and folks who don't know they want metal will more likely be at home on other, more forgiving skis.
Salomon QST 92 Length: 177 Test Location: Snowbasin Demo Days I've enjoyed every 19/20 QST. They are all fun, accessible, smooth, and reasonably precise and stable. From my experience, they ski more similar than different, at least in the models from 92 to 106. The 92 was only available in a 177, and I would have grabbed the next size up if it were available. It ended up not mattering. I was able to draw long and short carves with surprising ease. I did not take this ski up to high speed, but it seemed perfectly stable given the test scenario. The great thing about the QSTs, and the 92 in particular, is how easy the are to ski. That said, even aggressive skiers seem to like them. I'm going long on Salomon for next year. I would still choose the next size up (184?) for me in this model, but the fact that I could enjoy the 177 means that Salomon has succeeded in creating an amazingly broad sweet spot for the QST line.
Nordica Enforcer 93 Length: 185 Test Location: Snowbasin Demo Days One of my old and dear friends. I still love this ski more than just about any other ski in the category. As great as the Kore 93 is, the Enforcer offers that much more stability and confidence, especially when the going gets weird. It's also a better carving tool. Sure, you need to have the fitness to bend this ski, but it will reward you with the ability to drive through chop. It really stood out to me as the best Enforcer, save maybe the new 104. Or possibly the 110, if one has the good fortune to ski that ski in the right conditions. But the 93 is a very tempting option for the Tahoe one ski quiver. We took a winding road from Snowbasin's gondola, and I ended up doing figure 8s behind a ski patroller on a much narrower ski...until I accelerated past him. Love this ski, and was glad I took the time to ski it again.
Nordica Enforcer 88 Length: 179 Test Location: Snowbasin Demo Days Admittedly, I was skeptical about this ski. The 93 was already such a smooth and crisp carver, I anticipated that the 88 was less of a ski design innovation and more of a product line extension. I hate when I let my prejudice get the better of me, but I came away with a similar impression after skiing. I didn't find myself enjoying turns any more on this ski...in some ways, I missed the 93. Maybe the Enforcer 88 can steal some market from the Brahma. Maybe there are some folks with bum knees who won't go for the 93. But it just didn't thrill me as a new offering. Still thought it was a smooth, polished, and enjoyable ski. Just not a thrillingly new or different ski. The reps (and some reviewers) tout the comparatively stiff tail. I’m a good carver, but I didn’t really notice it as a benefit over the 93, which is my pick purely for versatility. All that being said, the fact that Enforcers have won so many magazine awards and sold so many units, my guess is that there are a bunch of folks who have been holding out for a narrower ski, and I bet they will jump on this one.
Armada Invictus 89 Ti Length: 179 Test Location: Snowbasin Demo Days Woo hoo! The Invictus had me hooting and hollering, even as I grabbed it at the tail end of two full days of ski testing. Really fast, smooth, confident ski. I felt like the whole mountain was my carving playground. My colleague loves his Invictus and so I had to give it a shot - think this would be a great ski for somebody who rips but still wants the freedom to play. It has the confidence at speed that you get from the Brahma 88 and Kendo 88, but it was so much more FUN on the mountain. For me, it was a shockingly close second to the Stormrider 88.
Elan Ripstick 96 Black - 184 Length: 184 Test Location: Snowbasin Demo Days A premium ski in a relatively attainable price. Elan’s whole Ripstick line uses asymmetrical sidecut that increases edge hold on inside edges while easing up on the outsides. Translation: more power where you need it, while enabling you to smear off a little speed when the going gets dicey. I skied the 96 after ripping around almost all day on ~90mm skis, and found it to be very responsive for a comparatively wider ski. I’m still partial to skis with metal, but for somebody who likes the lightness of carbon, I think the Black edition - which adds an extra layer of carbon and thus an extra “top gear” for high speed charging - is a really appealing ski.
Armada ARV 96 Ti Length: 184 Test Location: Deer Valley, Squaw Valley sleeper spring powder day Excellent ski. One of the first skis I loved riding in a more centered stance. Relaxed and confident, and spectacular carving and edge hold for a twin tip, somewhat new school shaped ski. In fact, those adjectives feel wrong for this model. I enjoyed a bonus day on this ski ripping around Squaw Valley with Mike LaRoche. I had mistakenly predicted more groomer action, but Mike showed me all the powder stashes, often times a foot or more of chalky but light pow. The 96 did shockingly well given even in the deeper snow, and was an animal on the prepared piste. I will probably add this to the quiver...once I find the funds.
Armada Tracer 98 Length: 180 Test Location: Deer Valley Easy, smooth, a close cousin to the Salmon QST 99, but perhaps not quite as damp. Armada has trimmed some weight here, clearly shooting for the touring market. My favorite top sheet of the year. It’s worth noting that in addition to being a fairly light ski, Armada built the Tracer to have more mass concentrated under foot, which makes touring more efficient.
Stockli Stormrider 95 - 177 O Stormrider 95. How I love thee. Let me count the ways. You are the most stable and eerily quiet ski on snow. You take any turn shape with ease. You glide through chop like a maglev train. You'll take me as fast as I want to go and still let me scrub speed if I get into trouble. Your edges slice into snow of all types, from corduroy to graupel to death cookies to boilerplate. You charge through crud better than the likes of the Mantra or the Bonafide, but you still let me feel the texture of snow. I hate most expensive things, but you make me question all that. Call me.
On-Piste / Groomer Skis (<88 mm waist or groomer specific construction)
Stockli Laser AX Length: 175 Test Location: Deer Valley, Squaw Valley, Alpine Meadows This is one of my favorite skis in the world. It’s a firm snow ski, and is rather not much fun in tight, firm bumps and similar terrain. Having spent years on skis north of 100mm, stepping onto the Laser AX’s 78 felt like I had been given the keys to an Italian sports car after schlubbing around in SUVs. Lightning quick edge-to-edge. Disturbingly stable at any speed. Edge hold that bends space-time. All of that, while still being fun to ski, whereas most other race-inspired skis will absolutely punish you if you don’t manage them. I own this ski and I pretty much will beg you to get out and try one for yourself. It will change how you feel about skiing.
Stöckli Laser AR Length: 177 Test Location: Deer Valley A new Laser! Hooray! This is a great new offering. It's interesting how Stöckli skis always have a lot of common characteristics. They are smooth. They have superb edge hold. They beg you (and sometimes taunt you) to open up the throttle. So what does the AR bring that's new? Stöckli has apparently positioned it as the least firm snow specific Laser. Softer tail for sure. I found it be more user-friendly even than the AX, which I praise for its user-friendliness. The AR is more forgiving, which I was pleased to find when I bombed through a narrow gulley and urgently needed to scrub speed on the snowy edges while turning through the icy trough. It's not quite as crisp as the AX, nor is it the speed-hungry powerhouse that the Stormrider 88 is. But it is more than capable in those departments, and it won't make you pay the price for getting a little loose. I think this translates into a very appealing package for the advanced-but-not-quite expert skier. I would enthusiastically sell it to anybody who wants a consummate carving tool and has the pocketbook to buy it.
Atomic Vantage 90 Ti Length: 177 Test Location: Deer Valley Great ski. Fast, precise, and exciting. And a reasonably great price. This ski tempts you to higher speed. One of my favorite runs of the day, and when I turned around, my fiancé was hot on my tails riding the same ski. She later told me: “I could have passed you if I wanted to.” It was awesome seeing her rip up the mountain. The Vantage 90 Ti prefers firm snow obviously, and I deliberately left it out of the all-mountain narrow category in my review because of it’s shape. I liked it much better than the Kendo 88.
Atomic Vantage 86 Ti Length: 181 Test Location: Deer Valley A very close cousin to the 90 Ti. I marginally preferred the 90, but I could attribute that to deteriorating conditions (or legs). Clean, precise, quick. Very fun.
"Yes I would rather have Gurley more than Dez. So while I'm not a huge Agholor fan, he's a good additional piece."
"In my league dez just got traded for lesean McCoy straight up -_-"
"Allen Robinson by a mile. Gets targets like mad, and is 5 years younger. Oh yeah, and
Dez hasn't even cracked 1400 yards in his career yet, while ARob did it this season. Romo is aging and Bortles is young"
"I think acquiring Dez is the worst thing you can do this offseason. He played like complete shit and his ADP has not reflected that. His QB was out sure, but he played with no heart and also dropped a ton of balls."
One of the biggest names this offseason, for probably the worst reasons, is Dez Bryant. After signing a huge contract and at one point commanding the #1 overall start up pick, his 31 receptions 401 yards and 3 TDs was a major disappointment to say the least.
The latest DLF ADP has Dez sitting at #10, which is a pretty significant drop
when you look at his #1 ADP exactly a year ago. While ~9 spots isn't a big drop by the numbers, falling from #1 to #10, with many suggesting he might be worth even less, is a huge indicator of how the dynasty community feels about a player that not long ago was unanimously considered elite. While ADP is hardly the only or best way to evaluate players, it certainly is a strong indicator that the dynasty community has lost a bit of trust in what was one of the safest start up grabs in 2015.
There are a lot of people who are justifiably upset with Dez's 2015 season, and hell hath no wrath like a fantasy players scorn after being burned by a supposed "safe" pick. But when making big decisions such as whether to sell or buy a player of this caliber, we have to make sure we are making rational decisions and not just being dragged down by recency bias. It is very easy to get caught up in "what has he done for me lately" in fantasy, and while recent performance shouldn't be ignored, its also important to look at context.
So is Dez an aging, injury prone player whose relatively elite QB is on his way out the door? Has Dez been propped up to elite status by the competency of his QB?
The answer is a resounding,
who the hell knows. At the end of the day, as great as he's been in the past, we A) haven't seen him much without Romo under center, B) he looked completely disinterested when he did play this year, and C) he had another operation on his foot, which is a scary injury for a big guy like this.
So the next question is, "then how the hell do we accurately value him"? As I said earlier, we cannot completely ignore 2015. With this past year fresh in our minds, let's look at some of the reasons why we might be better served not undervaluing Dez Bryant after one season.
INJURIES First, let's get this out of the way.
Dez Bryant has had plenty of injuries. He is as "injury prone" as any other player. He broke his fibula and had to get a plate put in. He has had some hamstring issues. And now he has one of the worst possible breaks in his foot, a Jones fracture, which are notorious for taking time to heal and often recurring.
If we're going to label anyone as "injury prone", he is certainly a great candidate. But the problem is, we don't have anywhere near the right data or access to information to really, accurately, be able to predict injury. We all love to try. We all love to be proven right when we pass on the "injury prone" guy in the 1st round, only to see him go down early in the season (and usually ignoring the ones that don't...unless of course we had the "foresight" to see his injury wouldn't recur, and in a stroke of genius took him anyway only to be rewarded for our omnipotence).
These are guys who, after significant injuries like the coincidentally named Jones Fracture, go on to receive tens of millions of dollars from organizations who have access to their entire medical history, as well as some of the best doctors in the world. So, forgive me if I think the idea of me not investing a few fantasy draft picks into a player because I have dubbed him "injury prone", while an NFL team hands him $13 million a year, is nothing short of the silliest shit I've ever heard.
You need to forget the idea of injury prone. You are wasting your time and efforts trying to predict it. Specifically, let's look at Dez's most recent injury. If you dubbed Julio injury prone after 2013 because of him reinjuring his foot, and sold him for less than top player value, you're probably kicking yourself right now (deservedly). Some might argue that Julio has just been lucky, and his reinjuring of the foot proves that it is a dangerous injury to bet against recurring. Some of the other prominent names to suffer this include Hakeem Nicks and Ahmad Bradshaw.
What's important to realize is, since each of those guys injured their foot, it has become more standard practice to use a screw with a larger diameter in the procedure for larger athletes who are trying to return to playing (5mm vs 6mm).
Jones said in an interview that he originally had the smaller screw put in place in 2011, only to have the larger one used in 2013 in addition to a bone graft.. This is important because the larger screw and bone graft has gone from being used to fix reinjury to being used the first time around, and it has a significant drop in failure/replacement rate.
And this is the exactly what was used for Dez.
If you're interested in the nitty gritty of the injury,
you can read more about the difference in the procedures here, but essentially it is saying the 6mm screw is more difficult to be pulled out, and while originally they used smaller screws to avoid stiffness, there is no significant increase in stiffness when using the larger screw.
Now, of course, that didn't mean Dez could come back after such a short recovery time as he did, which is why he earned himself a trip right back to the surgery floor. But betting against Dez's foot at this point doesn't feel right. Does everyone remember how Devante Parker, to the disgust of many, underwent optional surgery at the beginning of the year?
That's because they wanted to address replacing his smaller screw with a larger one now, before it turned into a serious problem.
And if you for some reason still think Dez has injury issues, I implore you to go count how many games he's missed over the past 3 years before 2015. Go ahead, I'll wait.
Don't bother bringing your second hand. Or even your first. Because the anwser is
0.
CONSISTENCY Ah, the age old dynasty debate -- recency vs consistency (or even better, youth vs consistency). People generally feel strongly one way or the other, and neither are "wrong" in their almost dogmatic beliefs. The previously referenced Dez Bryant vs Allen Robinson discussion is interesting, because it sort of highlights what the debate is ultimately about. Allen Robinson is the young, sexy breakout star who just had a huge year and accrued over 1,400 yards, something the quoted user was quick to point out Dez has failed to do ever in his career. Some point out that this could easily -- if not very likely -- be Robinson's best year of his career. But the allure of getting that sort of production for the career of a 22 year old receiver is very tempting.
But there is something to be said about consistency. Let's look at Dez's 2012-2014 stats:
- 1,320 yards 16 TDs
- 1,233 yards 13 TDs
- 1,382 yards 12 TDs
Those numbers, especially the TDs, are nothing short of elite. In fact,
his average 91 catches and 14 TDs from 2012-2014 is pretty damn good. There is a reason why
when ESPN asked a panel of 70 experts, Dez Bryant was named the best WR in the game -- tied only with Calvin Johnson. That brings me to my next point...
MISCONCEPTIONS There are a
ton of misconceptions about Dez Bryant, some of which stem from this year. We already discussed the "injury prone" misconception -- if anyone called Dez Bryant "injury prone" a year ago they'd be laughed at. But let's look at some of the other popular ones.
Dez Bryant doesn't get enough receptions Dez Bryant averaged 91 receptions from 2012 to 2014. 90+ receptions is more than enough.
He was the top 12 in receptions in those years, which combined with his red zone conversion rate and
consistent touchdown production, is pretty remarkable. There is a difference between touchdown dependent players, and the touchdown machine that is Dez Bryant. You ditch players who put up big TD numbers in anticipation of an eventual drop off (see: Cobb, Randall). But when they average 14 TDs over 3 seasons, they become the expectation.
Dez Bryant is part of a run first offense, and doesn't get enough targets There is definitely some truth to this, at least when you look at teams giving a ridiculous amount of targets to guys like Julio Jones and Antonio Brown. However, Dez has averaged 9+ targets a game over the years I've been emphasizing, including 142 last year when they had the most effective rushing game in the league. Questions about his target numbers are especially perplexing when you look at some of the guys being taken consistently ahead of him. Amari Cooper drew 134, Robinson drew 152 (in a year where he could easily have seen more targets than can be expected...I wouldn't trust the Jags to be playing from behind the rest of his career this much, especially with the $75 million in cap space they have to spend on defense and an offensive line). Even AJ Green has only averaged about a target more between 2012 and 2014 (we'll leave out 2015 since Dez was out and Green saw fewer targets than usual). And when you look at some of the red zone targets for these guys -- Cooper was targeted only 8 times in the red zone all year -- you have to wonder just how much is
too much emphasis on youth.
I am not saying those guys should or shouldn't be ranked ahead, or that target numbers are the main reason why, just putting into perspective where Dez sits amongst some popular names.
Tony Romo is on his way out, and who knows if we can trust Dez without him This feels like a case of people misreading this past season. Let's look at how this past season went down:
- Dez Bryant gets hurt in a year the Cowboys are Super Bowl favorites
- Tony Romo gets hurt and the Cowboys spiral into a losing streak, triggering panic. It's at this time we hear about Dez Bryant needing a "straight jacket" to keep him off the field this year
- The Dallas QB's are bad. Not just normal back up bad, but absolutely horrendous. Jones gets exposed for being cheap at the QB spot and even goes as far as to admit how big of a mistake he made.
- Dez comes back, and as we all know now too early. He looks slow. He has trouble with his routes. Between conditioning and his foot, it is hard to say what we were watching out there, but it certainly wasn't Dez Bryant
- Dez gets another surgery at the end of the year.
After all of this, people somehow are able to conclude that Dez Bryant without Tony Romo is awful, and he is not QB proof as some other people.
First, I'd like to take this moment to ask you to look at Antonio Brown's stats when Big Ben has been out. The reality is, with rare exception, WRs will struggle with different QBs who they haven't been getting hundreds of reps with.
Second, I don't think it's realistic to expect the Cowboys to go into the next few seasons without better preparation for the backup spot and the post-Tony Romo era. While doing is harder than saying when it comes to finding decent QBs, either way we can expect better preparation and a greater emphasis on the search than the Joneses admittedly lacked before.
Not to mention if you are worried about a QB being able to hit
this guy's catch ridiculous catch radius, you're just being silly.
CONCLUSION?? I'm not here to say Dez Bryant is the best asset in fantasy football. I'm not here to say we can or should ignore 2015, or that the concerns surrounding Dez's recent (and likely continuing) drop in value aren't worth watching.
The intention of this was more to remind everyone why, just a year ago, Dez was the #1 overall ADP pick. It's important in fantasy to keep in mind all factors and context that go into value and performance.
While I won't argue that Dez is likely the top asset (this is where volume is certainly an issue, if not as big of one as people seem to think), I do think he is being seriously undervalued right now. I advise caution in trading him away, and think you would be doing yourself a disservice to not get a temperature check with the Dez owner to see if he is as down on him as many seem to be. You probably don't want to pay the typical value for a top asset right now, but there is a very good chance you can get him for less from the more concerned, reactionary owners.
I personally am betting that 2015, with all of the context taken into consideration, is more likely an anomaly, and that it is far more likely Dez returns to 2014 form than not.
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